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Let’s face it: This country needs a president. And only one man is fit for the job. The guy you’re looking at: Comedy Central pundit Stephen Colbert
He’s got my vote…how about yours?
“FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.”
Ambros Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary
“On my income tax 1040 it says ‘Check this box if you are blind.’ I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.”
Tom Lehrer
“Atheism is more than just the knowledge that gods do not exist, and that religion is either a mistake or a fraud. Atheism is an attitude, a frame of mind that looks at the world objectively, fearlessly, always trying to understand all things as a part of nature.”
Carl Sagan
60 Things Worth Shortening Your Life For
This is a great article by Esquire. I’ve done a few of these things, but doubt I’ll get around to them all… Enjoy!
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1. BLAMESTORMING – Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
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2. SEAGULL MANAGER – A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
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3. ASSMOSIS – The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
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4. SALMON DAY – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
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5. CUBE FARM – An office filled with cubicles.
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6. PRAIRIE DOGGING – When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
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7. MOUSE POTATO – The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
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8. SITCOMs – Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
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9. STRESS PUPPY – A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
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10. SWIPEOUT – An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
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11. XEROX SUBSIDY – Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
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12. IRRITAINMENT – Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
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13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE – The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
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14. ADMINISPHERE – The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
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15. 404 – Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested site could not be located.
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16. GENERICA – Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
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17. OHNOSECOND – That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).
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18. WOOFS – Well-Off Older Folks.
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19. CROP DUSTING – Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
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20. NANOBEEP – The length of time between the light turning green and the woman behind you blowing her horn.
Alright, I confess. I’m the idiot in the beater who won’t get the hell out of your way when you’re in a hurry in heavy traffic. My confession? I do it on purpose. Yep, I sure do.
It’s a guilty pleasure, but when I see someone getting all worked up and being rude and reckless on the highway, I’ll go out of my way to get in theirs.
Now, I don’t openly provoke anyone, I don’t look at them, honk, flash my lights, or flip them off. I just slow down at the least opportune times (for them). I speed up in seemingly random patterns, and I avoid all eye contact. I stare straight ahead as if I’m in my own little world, all the while I’m getting great satisfaction by giving a jerk a hard time.
So slow down, relax, you’ll get there. And if not…then I’ll see you on the road!
